My new short script

[redlum]

Here's the 1st draft of a screenplay for my next short film. If you could spare some time to read, suggestions and crits are welcome.

http://www.r2ka.freeserve.co.uk/george/Major%20Tom.htm

[nicolas_arson]

thats pretty good, but im confused by a couple of things:

1,what happened to the guy in the white suit?
2,why are the police talking about missing persons if she ordered the restraining order?
3,why would she put a restraining order on him anyway?

u plannin to shoot it?

[deanl]

Hey there.

It's well written. It's an easy read. But Like that guy said I was a little confused as too why she has a restraining order on him...

Why would his friend drop him off first and then the girl as apose to the otherway around?

At one point I thought his friend had killed or kidnapped the girl.

It's an intresting little story. I like it. I just think the ending could do with a little more... I dont know... More bite? I dunno something to stick in my head.

Good work.

I look forward to reading further drafts and progress on this.

Despin out.

[ac_01]

It's good. Well written. The dialogue was good -- not showy and not too uninspired.

Iron out some of the confusing bits and it should turn out ok.

[redlum]

Thanks for the fast replies. Im really glad you brought these things up because these were my main concerns for readers/audience, and if they're not clear then I've done something wrong.

Tom gets dropped off home first mainly for pacing, I think the story is kind of being spread thinly for a short film and lots of shots of people getting in and out of cars would be a waste of time. Maybe I could insert dialogue to clarify this along the lines of "Don't worry I'll take her home"?

1)White suit?
2&3)The police are talking about missing persons as they are unaware that she's fine and that her car broke down. There's a scene where they find her abandoned car after Russell arrives in Tom's car tp pick them up. The idea is that after taking Tom to the police station he fesses up to everything including that he went under the car with some pliers and accidentally cut the fuel line. The police inform Sally and she decides to press charges. I guess it's easy for me to assume this.

I also had considered Tom trying to runaway out of fear when he tells the policeman hes just getting his coat. Resulting in him being caught very quickly.

Perhaps a scene in the police questioning room might help. No dialogue (I dont want it too tidy), just Tom sat at the table with his head hung low, and the police looking confused and embarassed for him.

I guess for the ending I'm relying on the tone to finish it off. Since finishing the draft I've decided to use Supertramp - Breakfast in America for the final song. I know its kind of cop-out to rely on a song to provide impact but Im not very good with endings and I think it works really well.

[deanl]

Hey there.

"Tom gets dropped off home first mainly for pacing, I think the story is kind of being spread thinly for a short film and lots of shots of people getting in and out of cars would be a waste of time. Maybe I could insert dialogue to clarify this along the lines of "Don't worry I'll take her home"?"

Again, it doesnt make sense that they would drop Tom off first. Reasons? It's Toms car for a start and the girl doesnt know Toms friend. It makes sense that they would drop the girl off home and then the guys would go go home.

It wouldnt take much time. You dont have to show her being dropped off. Just a simple line of dialog would do it... As they drive a simple line from Tom saying something like "didnt she have a beautifull home" would do.

Russell drops Tom off at his house. Tom shakes hands with
both of them and they drive away.

Isnt it Toms care? I think it should be Tom dropping Russel home.

"The idea is that after taking Tom to the police station he fesses up to everything including that he went under the car with some pliers and accidentally cut the fuel line. The police inform Sally and she decides to press charges. I guess it's easy for me to assume this."

Yeah dude... That is a bit of a stretch.

Despin out.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 16, 2003 12:41 PM: Message edited by: Despin ]</font>

[Generic Skinhead]

I'm going to be honest Red. This needs a few rewrites.

First off-no character descriptions. I went through the first page thinking Tom was an old guy. We are not told anything about his age or how he looks. Or Sally. Or Russel. This HAS to be addressed.

"Tom enters the set. He appears comfortable with situation but his delicate waves in the general direction of the camera indicate that he's quite nervous."
I know what you're trying to say, but thats a badly written sentence. Its a contradiction. How can he appear comfortable if he waves in a nervous way?

"Infatuation. You're not naturally a recluse, you've just gotten that way. Its not your fault. But whatever happens tonight make sure you are responsible for it."
This exposition is awkward. You have to try and show this, rather than tell it.

The restraining order bit is not AT ALL clear to the reader. And if anything you've used too much dialogue already...I cant see how all these talking heads in a car are going to be interesting to watch.

Also as you already kinda know in your heart, using a song for emotional impact is a cheap trick that won't do you any favours if you're ever trying to sell a script. You're copping out my man.

You say you're no good at endings. So work at it until you are. Also, get into the habit of using a spell checker. Film people wont read it if its got mistakes in the first few lines like "lackluster/lacklustre".

Your biggest problem is you assume too much. You assume because its in your head, it's going to be in ours. Work on your clarity.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 18, 2003 05:28 AM: Message edited by: Generic Skinhead ]</font>